Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
