I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
