My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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