Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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