I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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