I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
