Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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