I cannot find my penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
