Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
