Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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