She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
