She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
