He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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