Your face is a jimmy john
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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