broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
