Kiss
Puke
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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