I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
