Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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