Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
