She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
