some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
handjob tips. give me some.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
