I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
