all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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