I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
