Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
