ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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