I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
