My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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