I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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