If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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