Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
