Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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