I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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