come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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