i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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