I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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