It was confusing and full of hummus
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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