I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
