I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
