I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
