It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
