So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
