So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
