I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
