I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
