your parents love me but you hate me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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