I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
