what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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