Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
