oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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