Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
