im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
