A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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