Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
