I'm so fucking centered right now
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
