Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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