how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
