he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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