you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
