i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
